I fled my house to indulge in some retail therapy. I bought tea, some notebooks and a book on living with someone with bipolar. My friend has bipolar disorder. I don't believe in walking on eggshells around him, but I would like to be kinder and more understanding. The book so far- only 10 pages in- has been empowering... I can relate to what I've read thus far, and look forward to being more informed.
I spent a hundred dollars in a couple hours. Damn. Not good for my bank account. I have the money, but I should be saving for school, or my future, or even for the room renos I am in the middle of. Whatever.
I've asked for help. I left a note for my pastor this past sunday, thanking him for a word he gave in church. It felt like it was directed at me specifically. A word from God. He emailed me saying he was praying for me, and asking if he could be of any help. I asked him to recommend a counsellor for me to see. A big step-- one I don't plan on telling anyone about for the time being. I'd like people to think I'm the bubbly, grinning fool I usually appear to be.
They don't need to be burdened by my depression, anxiety, addiction, on again- off again eating disorder... None of it. I can't tell anyone. Which is why I asked him to find someone who I don't know. Someone with whom I can have a clean slate... Even though I'm sure it will be marked up rather quickly as we begin to talk... I'm hoping they can help me wipe it clean again. Deal with my shit. Get my life together again. The days are very long, when you feel hopeless and scared and alone.
I thought I knew who I was, what I wanted- but I know nothing. The more you know the less you know. Everything has purpose, yet everything feels meaningless to me. I hurt all day, am drained of energy. I am dispassionate and down. I want to keep sleeping, watching youtube, driving... just keep driving away, farther and farther. I am greedy and selfish- yet I want to sell everything.. give it away even to have a fresh start.
Maybe if I'm lucky I will get a new start. I'm scared, and I know a lot of humbling and tears are to come, but it's a shot at getting out of this hellhole I've fallen into.
It's insane, it's been nearly a year since I wrote on this blog. I've been trying to turn my life around from that sex, drugs and rock and roll bit I was chewing last summer. Though not altogether successfully, I have made some changes- and some things are the same.
I had a one... two(!) night stand, with a very, very good friend. 10+ fucking years of build-up to our drunken night in a tent in a forest. The second night was in his bed, in his very large and empty home a week later when his parents were on holiday.
I still smoke. I've smoked more, less and quit since last year. Currently, smoking 2-3 packs a week. I confessed to all my family, and friends... then quit. Now it is secret, because I fear being rejected as a result of my unhealthy choice.
I smoked weed a month ago. That was weird.
I've sworn off alcohol for the summer, because of what happened with my friend. I expect I will get the chance to drink again, and though my resolve is strong now, I expect I will have a few drinks at some point. It's more the principle of staying in control which is the goal of my sweeping declaration never to drink.
I've been busy redoing my room and working on my real blog. The one where I am a proper, prideful, citizen. One who takes pictures, and makes playlists and writes long thoughtful dialogues regarding life.
It's nice to throw it all out on here.
"Worldly in the West" is just so appropriate as a handle because it is my place where I can be 100% honest, and carnal and unjudged. I could be judged, but it's really very silly to judge someone who you don't know the name of even, much less what my day to day life looks like. I could be anyone you know- that perfect girl who seems to do everything right. I'm not a deadbeat or a loser.
I have a great life, that is crazy at times. There are many secrets in my life... (related side note:50 shades of grey is an awesomely erotic/naughty/thought provoking book). Anyways. That's all I'll say for now. This is a good outlet for me, no bullshit here.
If you'd like to have another helping of no bullshit, please subscribe. I plan on posting more often, because I have so much inappropriateness stuck in my head. It must be written. It must corrupt. It must get out of me.
Smoking has helped me overcome my eating disorder. I used to struggle with anorexia + bulimia. Starving myself, binging, making myself throw up, chewing food and spitting it out. A secretive life I used to live.
I've gotten over starving myself, but it's gone to the flip side now. I have the tendency to eat too much. When I want to, I go out for a smoke then I can think about if I need to eat or not. How much. Of what. It's a pause button for my impulsive habits. Though smoking is bad for me, it has helped me out in the nutrition department a lot.